Fellow Bloggers, I Seek Your Counsel

Hi, everyone! I’m humbly asking for your advice. I’ve written a screenplay and am lucky enough to be able to send it to a producer at Hallmark. The script is complete, but I am still working on the logline.

The logline serves as a teaser for the screenplay. The sole purpose of the logline is to entice people to read the screenplay. If the logline falls flat, then it’s unlikely that anyone will ever read the screenplay.

Here are the two loglines I’ve been toying with. Once you read them, I have some questions to ask you.

A         Widowed shopkeeper Hope Dresden must wage war when sly business raider Judy Deaver opens up a sprawling electronics store next to Hope’s charming boutique in this rollicking Thanksgiving-turned-Tanksgiving holiday movie. With the help of a sassy frenemy, an ailing boy, and a handsome man of mystery, Hope must confront her dark past, learn to laugh and love again, and discover the secret behind the rare artifact that brings everyone together one fateful Black Friday. Oh, and one more thing: she must never, ever lose hope.

B         Heartbroken shopkeeper Hope Dresden has sworn off romance forever. That is, until she meets the handsome and mysterious Liam Jones just before Thanksgiving. He seems like the perfect man, but Hope must discover whether Liam has truly fallen for her or is only interested in helping the scheming entrepreneur next door swallow up Hope’s charming boutique. Otherwise, she’ll have nothing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

These are the three things I’d like to know:

1. Do you prefer logline A or B?

2. Does your preferred logline make you want to find out more / read the script / watch the movie? (You can be very critical — it won’t hurt my feelings)

3. What changes would you make to your preferred logline? (Same note as above — please be critical)

Bonus question: Any additional thoughts?

Thanks so much for your help. I will let you all know which logline I settle on and what the producer tells me. 🙂

Note: Hallmark movie loglines generally fall between 50 and 100 words, so these loglines might be longer than ones you’ve read in the past.

24 thoughts on “Fellow Bloggers, I Seek Your Counsel

  1. I prefer B as I think A is a little over the top. I had to read it a couple of times to digest what it was telling me as there are too many unnecessary adjectives.
    It does make me want to find out more. I want to find out why the owner of the shop next door is scheming. Will Hope and Liam make a go of it?
    I don’t think I would add too much to the logline, as short and succinct is much easier to read!
    I hope that helped in some small way!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I prefer log line B as well. It’s simpler and gets at what seems to be the main narrative thrust of your story: girl meets boy, but can girl trust boy? That’s something relatable to grab on to. It lets me (and your producer) know what the film is actually about.

    You might want to check out Blake Snyder’s screenwriting manual “Save the Cat!” He goes into a great deal of detail on how to come up with a good log line and the elements it should include.

    Best of luck getting your script made!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I prefer logline B, but they are both too long.

    “Is Liam the perfect man or is Hope the perfect patsy? A scheming entrepreneur next door, a new man in her life; Thanksgiving just got complicated.”

    Warning : I know absolutely nothing about loglines 🙂

    Good luck with your screenplay!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I like logline B for its ease in communication, Tom.

    Streamline suggestions:

    Sentence one, edit out ‘forever.’

    Sentence two, shorten to ‘meets handsome and mysterious Liam Jones before Thanksgiving.’ …

    Sentence three, shorten to ‘He seems perfect, but Hope must discover whether Liam has fallen for her or is interested in helping a scheming neighbor swallow up her charming boutique.

    Sentence four, shorten to ‘Otherwise she’ll have no Thanks in her holiday.’

    I have no experience in loglines, but I do in journalism editing. Good luck. I like your story. My family would watch this on the Hallmark Channel next Thanksgiving.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I like B also, but I think a combination of the two would work better, as there are too many words in it that aren’t important to the story.

    Widowed shopkeeper Hope Dresden has sworn off romance forever. That is, until she meets the handsome and mysterious Liam Jones. (just before Thanksgiving)…(when she met him isn’t important in the logline). He seems like the perfect man, but Hope must discover whether [Liam] the charismatic stranger has truly fallen for her, or if he is only interested in helping the scheming entrepreneur next door swallow up her charming boutique. (Otherwise, she’ll have nothing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving)…this sentence doesn’t add anything to the mystery.

    In my humble opinion, the reader wants to be tempted by the storyline itself. When and where it takes place unfolds once the story starts. I like when it frames her lifestyle as in “widowed”, Liam as “charismatic”, and the “scheming entrepreneur”.

    I hope I didn’t upset your apple cart…just my thoughts. It’s exciting to have someone want to read your work!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, Claudia! I like my apple cart being upset, so no worries! My issues so far have been that it is a holiday movie, so I feel like that’s important to stress, and Hope has two issues: defending her boutique (central) and sorting out who this Liam guy is and if he’s a nice guy or a scumbag (subplot). It’s hard to get that all across succinctly!
      I think your idea about mixing the two is a good idea (while keeping it brief, of course) … I will keep working on these! Thanks for your input, I will definitely use it!!

      Like

  6. I think option B is more succinct and works better as a logline, but it seems to pigeonhole the screenplay into rom-com right from the start. While the movie may in fact be a rom-com, logline A appeals to a broader crowd.

    Let me put it this way: I might not read all the way through logline A, but I definitely wouldn’t watch the movie belonging to logline B.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Khallubbe! I’m going to keep working on these. I think A has the more interesting concept but B is presented much more clearly. I think mixing them somehow will be good. We’ll see. I might have to ask for help again!!

      Liked by 1 person

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