Hi, everyone! I’m humbly asking for your advice. I’ve written a screenplay and am lucky enough to be able to send it to a producer at Hallmark. The script is complete, but I am still working on the logline.
The logline serves as a teaser for the screenplay. The sole purpose of the logline is to entice people to read the screenplay. If the logline falls flat, then it’s unlikely that anyone will ever read the screenplay.
Here are the two loglines I’ve been toying with. Once you read them, I have some questions to ask you.
A Widowed shopkeeper Hope Dresden must wage war when sly business raider Judy Deaver opens up a sprawling electronics store next to Hope’s charming boutique in this rollicking Thanksgiving-turned-Tanksgiving holiday movie. With the help of a sassy frenemy, an ailing boy, and a handsome man of mystery, Hope must confront her dark past, learn to laugh and love again, and discover the secret behind the rare artifact that brings everyone together one fateful Black Friday. Oh, and one more thing: she must never, ever lose hope.
B Heartbroken shopkeeper Hope Dresden has sworn off romance forever. That is, until she meets the handsome and mysterious Liam Jones just before Thanksgiving. He seems like the perfect man, but Hope must discover whether Liam has truly fallen for her or is only interested in helping the scheming entrepreneur next door swallow up Hope’s charming boutique. Otherwise, she’ll have nothing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
These are the three things I’d like to know:
1. Do you prefer logline A or B?
2. Does your preferred logline make you want to find out more / read the script / watch the movie? (You can be very critical — it won’t hurt my feelings)
3. What changes would you make to your preferred logline? (Same note as above — please be critical)
Bonus question: Any additional thoughts?
Thanks so much for your help. I will let you all know which logline I settle on and what the producer tells me. 🙂
Note: Hallmark movie loglines generally fall between 50 and 100 words, so these loglines might be longer than ones you’ve read in the past.