Seeking Your Wise Counsel, Part II

Hi, everyone! Yesterday I asked for some help with loglines and I was blown away by how helpful everyone was! If you read yesterday’s post, you can skip ahead to the paragraph that says START HERE. If not, keep reading.

I’ve written a screenplay and am lucky enough to be able to send it to a producer at Hallmark. The script is complete, but I am still working on the logline.

The logline serves as a teaser for the screenplay. The sole purpose of the logline is to entice people to read the screenplay. If the logline falls flat, then it’s unlikely that anyone will ever read the screenplay.

START HERE. I present to you two loglines I’ve altered (and hopefully improved) since yesterday. Once you read them, I have some questions to ask you.

A              Plucky shopkeeper Hope Dresden has declared war this Black Friday. Her targets? Bona fide hunk Liam Jones, who has vowed to win her stubborn heart, and scheming bigwig Judy Deaver, who will stop at nothing to crush Hope’s charming boutique.

B              Heartbroken shopkeeper Hope Dresden has sworn off romance this holiday season. That is, until she meets handsome and mysterious Liam Jones. He seems perfect, but Hope must discover whether the charismatic hunk has fallen for her or is secretly helping scheming entrepreneur Judy Deaver swallow up her charming boutique.

Once again, these are the three things I’d like to know:

1. Do you prefer logline A or B?

2. Does your preferred logline make you want to find out more / read the script / watch the movie? (You can be very critical — it won’t hurt my feelings)

3. What changes would you make to your preferred logline? (Same note as above — please be critical)

Bonus question: Any additional thoughts?

Thanks! You guys are the best.

-Tom

Note: Nicolas Cage will be cast as Liam, obviously!

27 thoughts on “Seeking Your Wise Counsel, Part II

  1. PREFERENCE: B
    ORIGINAL: Heartbroken shopkeeper Hope Dresden has sworn off romance this holiday season. That is, until she meets handsome and mysterious Liam Jones. He seems perfect, but Hope must discover whether the charismatic hunk has fallen for her or is secretly helping scheming entrepreneur Judy Deaver swallow up her charming boutique.
    SUGGESTED REWRITE: WIDOWED shopkeeper Hope Dresden has sworn off romance this holiday season. That is, until she meets handsome and mysterious Liam Jones. He seems perfect, but Hope must discover whether the charismatic hunk has fallen for her or is secretly helping scheming entrepreneur Judy Deaver swallow up her charming boutique. TENSIONS RISE AS HOPE FINDS OUT WHETHER THE HOLIDAY WILL BE A THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION OR A TANKSGIVING DISASTER.

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  2. The difficulty with finding the perfect logline is the tension between conflict and concision. It’s a logline not a blurb or short synopsis, so you want something short and punchy; but you also want it to reveal enough to be intriguing, without revealing so much that the reader thinks they already know the story and don’t need to read the script.
    I’d say isolate your main elements – shopkeeper, schemer, dark horse, Thanksgiving – and express the budding/potential conflict between them as succinctly as possible.
    Distil adjectives where possible, e.g. Liam doesn’t need to be described as a handsome, mysterious, charismatic hunk. Describing him as a mysterious hunk conveys the necessary information.
    Remember, just because it’s shorter than the screenplay doesn’t mean it’s easier to write 🙂

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  3. I agree with most opinion here, although I think I like ‘A’ because the construction is much simpler and more explicit. People tend not to actually read a log line, they just glance over it. So, maybe cut out as many adjectives as possible and let the reader form them in their own mind? IMHO? ‘Plucky Hope Dresden has declared war this Black Friday. Her targets? Hunk Liam Jones, who has vowed to win her heart, and bigwig Judy Deaver, who will stop at nothing to crush Hope’s boutique’. Just my thoughts.

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    • That’s an excellent point, Frederick. Lots of times I get caught up in the small points that no one else even notices. I’ll try to zoom out a bit and look at it from a wider perspective. Thanks!!

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  4. You wrote your post almost ten days ago, but this is the first time I’ve visited your blog. I couldn’t help but throw my two cents worth into the ring….
    Hope Dresden has sworn off romance this holiday season even though the mysterious and seemingly perfect Liam Jones appears to have fallen for her. Is he for real, or is he in league with the scheming Judy Deaver who’s only desire is to destroy Hope’s boutique.

    Liked by 1 person

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